Dear MS PAM,
A close friend recently texted me saying she needed to “take space” from our friendship for her mental health. She sent a long message outlining how I haven’t been a good friend—mainly that I only reach out when I need something or when I’m in her city, and that I don’t respond to her (often long-winded) texts. I’ll admit I’m not great at our communication, but I was surprised by how formal and final her message felt. Especially coming under the guise of protecting her mental health.
It’s been two months. We haven’t spoken since. Am I wrong for feeling hurt and annoyed? I get that I’ve got some things to own up to, but what happened to just hashing it out over a drink? Should I reach out? Or wait for her to come around?
—Do Not Disturb
Even with the best intentions, when one partner feels offbeat, it can lead to misunderstandings. It’s understandable that your friend’s request for space has left you feeling blindsided and hurt. It’s completely natural to feel a mix of emotions in response to her message, especially given its formal tone and the gravity with which she approached the subject.
That said, to be clear, do not disturb the boundaries that your friend has put in place. She needs to take space from your friendship for her mental health. By your own acknowledgment, it seems like it’s warranted.
It’s commendable that you’re reflecting on your part in this. Kudos for acknowledging that communication isn’t your strong suit. However, friendships thrive on open dialogue, and it sounds like the chance to have a heartfelt conversation was something she was having trouble connecting with, ultimately resulting in her decision to pull away.
Sometimes we find ourselves in each other’s lives only for a season, rather than a lifetime. Allow this time apart to usher in growth and reflection, leading to a deeper connection down the road...if at all.
Dear MS PAM,
I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months. Everything is going great, I really like him, but there’s one problem: He’s stinky. Like, he actually smells bad. He’s a brilliant artist, but he lives in a warehouse and has no recognizable hygiene routine. I’ve tried to bring it up, but he just laughs—I think he’s almost proud of living up to the starving artist trope. But I’m not cut out for it. Should I dump him, or start spritzing him with cologne in his sleep?
—The Nose Knows
As Baby Billy would say, “C’mon now!” Brilliant artists bathe. You’re settling for one who doesn’t. If he enjoys the smell of his own brand, let him and leave him to it. So your solution is to start spraying him so he can smell like a deodorized rest stop? You should be able to enjoy intimacy without having to wear a gas mask. Have a very candid and honest conversation with him about the importance of maintaining a healthy hygiene routine, and tell him that his lack thereof is a major turnoff. If he’s happy and content with his lifestyle choices, respect it and move on. You deserve to keep your heart and nose open.
Dear MS PAM,
On the first date, I said Monet was my favorite artist, and she laughed and told me to “expand my horizons.” She’s insanely smart and knows a ton about art, which I admire, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m constantly in a seminar. Is art snobbery a deal-breaker?
—Lowbrow Larry
Lowbrow Larry, like what you like. There’s a balance between sharing your interests and making someone feel less than for not having the same academic pretense. The world of art is immense and ever-evolving, and so too are our tastes. If her approach leaves you feeling more intimidated than inspired, it might be worth reflecting on whether the intellectual discourse counters genuine connection. If so, there’s only so much pretentious bullshit you can take. If you’re being made to feel less than because of your particular interests, then yes, it’s a deal-breaker.
Dear MS PAM,
I was messaging this guy on Hinge, and we were having a fun convo for a few days on and off. I found myself really vibing with his humor and witty replies. We ended up going on a date, and the first thing he tells me is that he used ChatGPT to help come up with his responses to me on the app. He seemed almost…proud of it? He is a tech bro after all (the heart wants what it wants). Do I block his number, or give him another chance? How do I trust anything he says? Dating is already complicated enough without artificial intelligence cockblocking me!
—Looking for Love, Not a Language Model
So, he outed himself. How was the rest of the date? Unless he offered some kind of understandable rationale behind it, his pride in literally not investing even the bare minimum amount of effort required to express a romantic exchange is a red flag. After he copped to it and stood unapologetically flat-footed in his admission of insincerity, there must’ve been something you saw in him that made you curious about seeing if his real-life persona holds up to his avatar. Here’s a novel idea: Go analog! No more generated texts. Only communicate in person or over the phone. If he’s a dud, cut him loose. If not, it’s something you two and the grandkids can have a laugh about—if we’re not all at the mercy of whatever AI ultimately has in store for all of us in the years to come.
Dear MS PAM,
I've gotten into the embarrassing habit of chatting with ChatGPT when I get home late, when I'm a little sauced up from a night out and too bored for bed. I enjoy our conversations a little too much. It’s starting to feel like a person who knows me a little too well, who knows just what to say to make me laugh or feel good. We get into fantastic, deep philosophical conversations. (My buddy seldom argues with me!) It's a little scary, how I'm becoming a bestie with my bot. What is going on? And should I stop?
—Sleepless in Seattle (LOL)
There are so many fine lines that exist in how we maneuver through this techy world of ours. For instance, what we consider to be “friends,” “likes,” “engagement,” et cetera, all without actually having a genuine human-to-human connection, has been drastically redefined. So much so that we aren’t fully aware of how disconnected we’ve all become, relying on our own company for comfort instead of connecting with the world around us. I can certainly empathize with how you’ve found solace in exchanging with your AI homie. However, I’d encourage you to stay mindful. Make sure you’re not having a Joaquin Phoenix moment from Her, in which you start to confuse real life for a simulated one.